Addiction
I am addicted to sugar. Not the funny, oh-I-love-chocolate-I-shouldn’t-eat-so-much-kind-of addiction. I’m talking the real thing. The kind of addiction that ruins your life.
I get high off of sugar. It is an actual physical pleasure for me. The idea of curling up on the sofa with peanut clusters and potato chips with a good book is near to heaven. A good chocolate cake can give me what can only be termed as an “orgasmic” reaction. And I crave it. Constantly. When I have it, I’m less irritable, have a ton of energy. Until the crash that is.
It is taking its toll. Once I come down I’m filled with remorse. Guilt eats at me. I tell myself things I wouldn’t tell an enemy. And I resolve to do better. Tomorrow. I promise. And I break the promise. And I’m tired. Constantly tired, except for those 30 minutes after when I eat sugar. My body is running down. I can’t hold Max in my arms for as long as I used to. More guilt.
I eat out a lot. Alone. With a good book, I can go to Denny’s and eat nachos for hours. Followed, of course, with a dessert. 2-3 hours. No kidding. Imagine what I’m missing with my son. With my husband. With my friends. I come home so full my stomach aches. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
I’ve gained back 23 pounds. A full size of clothing. My jeans no longer fit and I wear only sweats these days. I tell myself they’re more comfortable. It doesn’t really help. Everytime I put them on I want to cry.
Okay, end of feeling sorry for myself. ‘Cause bottom line is: I won’t let this beat me. I am doing a ton of things to fix this, to figure out how I have to work it. As my counselor told me today: “Do you think a heroin addict is cured after a year? Two?” No they don’t. They take it one day at a time. And that’s what I’m going to do.
Here’s a list of what I’m doing:
· I’m seeing a fabulous counselor weekly who understands deeply my issues
· I’m seeing a new doctor and he’s looking at my problem holistically.
· I’m on Welbutrin (sp?)
· I’m seeing an acupuncturist on Thursday.
· I’m seeing a sleep disorder doctor in two weeks for a re-checkup.
· Every evening, with Lewis’ help (i.e. distracting Max), I will do up a Daily Plan for the next day. Only one day at a time. Very detailed.
· Every evening, with Lewis’s help (etc…), I will journal. Or in my case, Blog.
· I will be joining Overeaters Anonymous.
· I have contacted the Pro Club and am looking for a trainer to work with me three times a week for three weeks. Sort of a 20/20 Jump Start.
· I’m asking for help.
So there ya go. I’ll be blogging daily. In the evening; it’s hard to do it in the morning with a 23 month old climbing all over me.
And one more thing. If you’re so inclined, I could use your help. Here’s what you can do:
1. If you’re a close friend or relative, tell me you love me. That I’m a good person, a good Mom and a good friend. Tell me I’m going to be all right and I’ll get through this. God, you’d be amazed how much I need that! It’s amazing the insecurity that can eat at me due to all this.
2. If you have any tips or tricks for weight loss and/or exercising – let me know! Read any good inspiring books lately? Had an epiphany while jogging? Your favorite songs you can’t workout without? I would love to know them all!
3. Let me know if you need help and what I can do. Seriously. Have you ever noticed how your own problems become lighter when you take on someone else’s? Even if it’s the same problem? Or completely different. Funny how that is.
Last year, somewhere around May, I began to get worried about my first Triathlon coming up at the beginning of June. I could do the swim and I’d already done a 5K, but could I do 15 miles on the bike? I had never done it. Danielle smiled and said “Of course you can Dude!” And took me out riding. We went out 8 miles and came back for a full 16 miles. I didn’t want to stop. I was completely high. I felt I could go for another 16. Or more. That’s when I learned to trust her. To trust those that are in the know. To believe it when they tell me I can do it.
My counselor tells me I’m going to make it. I’m doing all the right things. I believe.
Hugs to all,
Regan
posted by Regan @ 8:39 PM
4 Comments:
Regan, you're amazing. This post really struck a nerve with me. After inhaling half a box of Thin Mints on Friday night, 5 Mrs. Fields cookies on Sunday afternoon at the mall, and the other half of the box of the Thin Mints on Sunday night (in addition to countless other goodies over the last few weeks :-), I realized I have a problem. Like you, my clothes aren't fitting anymore and I've fallen back to some of my pre-20/20 clothes. Yesterday I vowed to really get control. So your message is right on time. Just keep reminding yourself...you did it before. You know what to do and how to do it. Yes, it takes work and isn't easy. But you have to believe that you're worthy and the "end" (is there really one?) justifies the means. This blog is the first step towards your goals. You're so inspirational to me. An amazing mom. An amazing wife. An amazing friend. I'm here for you. Let's help each other through this.
Heh seester - welcome to spring! You are, one step at a time, providing inspiration and good news not just to the people who love you but to the planet as a whole. (Imagine if Prez. Bush could say "I have an addiction...I'm addicted to being right and only listening to people who have agendas that bring horror and destrtuction to the planet.) Keep coming home to yourself. Love, Kim
Hey Regs,
You are so brave! Good for you for tackling this on this way. I can totally relate to what you're going through - I have a food addiction as well & have found myself many a time alone at a restaurant eating my heart out (Literally).
You are such an inspiration to me - I've thought of you and your willpower and the amazing transfortation you have done with the 20/20 program so many times.
I recently saw this dvd titled "The Secret". It has really inspired me. I've also read the book and listened to the audio book. I make it a point each day to either listen to the audio, watch the dvd, or read a bit from the book.
Anyway, there is a section in the book and the audio book (I can't recall if it's in the dvd - but get the dvd anyway) that deals with weight loss. That's what I'm doing now. It's very simple - a different way to think about it.
I'm also trying to use the secret to help us have another baby. We're trying and I want it with all my heart :-)
I will be sending positive thoughts and love your way my dear wonderful friend. And yes - you are a wonderful person and mother, and wonderful at everything you set your eyes on. You are an amazing person :-)
Hey Regan,
I really agree with Kimery--both the political statement, and (more importantly) the acknowledgement of your courage and willingness to face your challenges head on. Even when you are having tough times, you are an eternal optimist at heart. You believe in the solution. The answer. The good. That is one thing I love about you and one thing I hope will carry you through to the better days that I know are ahead.
I am here for you whenever you need a listening ear, a toddler- friendly place to escape, and now that we're coming back to the Pro Club, even --dare I suggest it?-- a workout buddy!
Just remember you're not alone. Lots of people love you and want to support you through the tough stuff as well as cheer on your many successes. Count me among them.
Barb
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